By Mindy Rubenstein
It’s quiet. Early morning. My four children are still asleep in their beds.
But there’s a sound. Like crickets, maybe, but I think it’s only in my mind. There’s almost a rhythm to it. I didn’t even know it was there until I quieted the thoughts. Paid attention to the thoughts as they scurried like cockroaches when you shine a light on them. I close my eyes and listen. Wait.
Was the noise always there? Maybe it’s because I have a cold. I take a deep breath and hold it. I focus on the noise and realize sound is heard by the ears and this isn’t in my ears, it’s somewhere else. But where?
If anyone reads this they’d get a limited glimpse of me. I’m busy all day working, then come home and cook for my family. Clean up, put my kids to bed then often fall asleep along with them, following a busyness that left me spiritually and physically depleted.
This stillness is a different me.
We think we know people by their words, by their faces and mannerisms, even their actions. I don’t yet know me, how can I know others?
And what is the noise? Maybe ‘noise’ is the wrong word.
Maybe it’s the lack of noise, lack of thought. Inner stillness. Outer stillness. I’m usually busy moving around in the mornings. Packing lunches. Doing. Thinking. Doing. Thinking.
I marked on my Google calendar to write at 6:30 am. I overslept this morning, then tried to find reasons not to do it. A few words, I told myself. Just put down a few words. You promised yourself. It’s even in your calendar.
So I’m sitting. Listening. Waiting.
I want to examine the inner workings of the Universe.
To connect my inner soul to the Universe and write about it.
We capitalize certain letters to express the Power, the Awesomeness, the Glory that exists beyond… beyond what? The words themselves are insignificant, but what they represent, what they can represent, if we use them well…
There’s a bird chirping. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. It grabs my thoughts and I’m pulled away. An earthly sound pulling me back. Back from where?
Soon we’ll all be there. We are here now, in these bodies. The real me is somewhere beyond, using this body as a way to interface with a material world that doesn’t really exist. That will be gone soon.
The real me is using this body to interface with others, through our bodies, but the real connection happens in an energy beyond, above. I quickly look up the word ‘interface’ since I used it twice, and it says “a point where two systems or subjects meet and interact.”
Maybe that’s the Noise.
Like an antenna. Transmitting from Above.
I listen. I breath.
All the answers are there, in that Space. I glimpse it but don’t go.
These words are so clumsy, so limiting. How do you attach letters to the Infinite?
And that’s part of why I’m here. To connect Heaven and Earth, to teach about Heaven to Earth, through letters and words. They are gifted to me. I hope to use them well.
It’s quiet. Early morning. I think again of the Modeh Ani I mumbled without thinking as I awoke … thank you G-d for returning my soul to me, Your faith in me is great.
Mindy Rubenstein has worked as a journalist and editor for 21 years, writing hundreds of articles that have appeared in dozens of publications, including the Tampa Bay Times, Atlanta Jewish Times, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Press, Chabad.org, TheJewishWoman.org and others. While writing for the Tampa Bay Times, she received a national journalism award for her Faith in Motion series. She founded Nishei, a Jewish women’s magazine, and serves as editor of the Jacksonville Jewish News.